When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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