This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
