I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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