Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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