this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
