she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
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I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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