The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
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Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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