Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
