Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
