he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
