so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
