I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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