I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
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