Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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