Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
