Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
