I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
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I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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