dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
