Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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