i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
