He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Randomize
