the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
