the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's never too late to be topless.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
