The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
