So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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