I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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