Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We have so much sex to catch up on
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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