I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No subtext here. People are naked.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
