She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
