Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
