that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
