omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
