i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
