when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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