my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
