i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
