my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
