Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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