I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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