I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
