that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
