You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
All I want is dick and wine.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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