After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
