This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
