is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
