Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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