Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
