Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
why do cheetos always look like penises
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
