i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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