my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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