apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
