Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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