God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
